I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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