So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize