Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
