She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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