There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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