I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
