I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I supernannyed him into submission
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize