Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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