Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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