i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
