Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
