You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
