I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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