just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
