I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
