my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
