when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
