I smell stomach acid.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
