Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
