Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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