there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
True strength comes from lack of pants
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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