i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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