i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
