I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
