Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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