Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
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