I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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