I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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