Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
