i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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