I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You smell like stripper and shame
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
