I just cut my nipple shaving
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
