Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
