I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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