do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
