Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
