my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
