I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Randomize
