Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
