just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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