I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
