The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
