pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
