Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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