Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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