make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Randomize
