I wanna bring you to show and tell
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
