I cannot find my penis.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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