I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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