Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize