My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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