hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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