i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
