she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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