I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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