My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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