Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
