I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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