you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
