3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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