You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I think I died a long time ago.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Randomize